Anyway. I have bee out of control lately. I need to lose at least 10 lbs, and stop this emotional eating. I knew I wasn’t even hungry tonight, but did a mini (ok, medium)-binge. I just did it. I was asking myself, “Why do you want to do this? What’s bothering you? You know you’re full.”

And I didn’t have an answer. It’s like I just don’t want to think about anything, so I eat. And it’s making me miserable.

I don’t know how to fix it, but I’m trying to work on it.  I guess more thinking in the moment is needed. More connection to what I’m feeling. Maybe I’m scared of what I’m feeling, because I don’t know how to fix that either. I feel powerless. I HATE that.

I need a change, but change scares me. I’m sad, so I eat, which makes me sad. I’m lonely, but also antisocial. WTF is WRONG with me?   Jesus, I need to get a hold of myself.

Night. Work early.

I tried to make overnight oats for this morning…..I failed. I used too much water, I think. I ate it anyway; it tasted good, but the consistency was wrong. I’m trying again today with half the amount of water.

I used a Dannon Light n Fit yogurt for this because I was out of greek yogurt. Sads. I don’t usually buy this yogurt, but they have some awesome flavors, like this morning’s: Toasted Coconut and Vanilla. It was delicious.

I also had some hot chocolate, which I don’t even need to mention.

Then, off to work! There, I snacked on bread, coffee, and a small salad with honey mustard dressing. It was good; I was really munchy today. I blame the rain.

After work, I ate a chewy high-protein flax tortilla I brought along, and went to pick up my bike! Yay! At this particular store, when you buy a bike from them, they don’t charge you for labor for repair, just for parts. It’s a sweet deal in and of itself, but today they didn’t even charge me for a new inner tube for my flat tire! I have no idea why, but I like it! I stuck around, saying, “Are you sure? Really?” haha, I bet they thought I was crazy.

After disassembling my bike and smooshing it into my back seat, I went to the gym. My. Legs. HURT. from yesterday’s run, so I stuck to the bike, did a few squats, and stretched my little booty off. I kind of like stretching when I’m sore, it makes it more satisfying.

–> Home. –>  Eat. –> Tofu.

A cup of cottage cheese and strawberries and cinnamon and Truvia. Don’t be fooled, there were many more strawberries.

Yeaaah. Then, some BB, a blendy thing, and other snackage ensued.

Yeah, it was in a bowl. I was out of big cups….

This is always where I fail at “good eating”, and tonight was no different, but it was mildly better than other nights.

For instance: I caught myself eating hummus and cheese and pb out the containers, and stopped, and had this instead:

I had other things, too, but it was not as bad as other times. So I see progress! Yay positivity!

Work and gym tomorrow, and LOTS O’ HOMEWORK. I can doooo it!

Watching bad TV and mooching a backrub from mommy tonight.

Have a great weekend!

Before my run, I had a banana and a li’l scoop of pb, like a teaspoon.
No picture, but it looked like a banana and a tsp of pb. I’ll pause while you picture that.

Second breakfast: some greek yogurt and some Barney Butter! I like the portion control, but it’s a pain to get out of the package. I WANT EVERY DROP. haha.

Later, after some hot chocolate/coffee (you will soon see that I have far too many of these a day. It’s a problem, but I’m still okay with it. I love them.), I went to the library to do some work and ran to get a few things from the store. (Strawberries! Coconut milk! Tofu! etc.)

Before I went in, I snacked on one of these guys:

Love this brand. Yum. Yes I had it plain, what? :p

I couldn’t really concentrate at the library. I was still hungry. So, after about 2 hours, I went home and had….

Tofu! (duh)

And I doctored up some broccoli soup with a Smart Dog and melba toast! Was yums.

Doesn’t look too good, but it was. I promise. Especially with my favorite spoon! I dented it making a smoothie the other day though.

Then, later, yes, I had a chocococo blendy thing. I’m addicted. It tastes like a Frosty, kinda.

Later….I finished off a jar of pb. I love doing that, it’s so satisfying.

And yes, there were many things that went unphoto-ed. Working on not snacking, but that’s a toughie to break!

Does anyone watch Bones? I adore that show (along with 30 Rock. My 2 faves.) The latest episode…..oh my god! And WHY? And STUPID! and Sads….and love. And I miss Zach. And this show is torturous. Love it.

Ok, gonna try to sleep now. Work 9-2 tomorrow…hour commute (with traffic). Ew.

Picking up my bike! Woot! Hopefully gymming, then homework. As always.

Love!

I was slow, but it was way better than I expected it to be, especially because I walked half of it.

Crap, I can’t embed this. I’ve been trying to for like 15 minutes now. Liars at MapMyRun. Hahaha.

ok, just a link then…

Almost 5 miles in 47 minutes. I’m terribly out of shape, so that’s not too bad for me. Plus I walked a lot.

Later! <3

I. HATE. this class. No, not the class, the teacher. He is a moron and takes EVERY chance he possible can to insult us, berate us, tell us we aren’t good enough, and that Europe is soooo much better than America. I honestly think I wouldn’t mind much if I failed this class. I might, too. Okay, obviously I’d mind a lot, but seriously, HATRED.

So, eats. I did okay. Too much again. I need to stop the mindless night eating. It kills me!

—> Tofu, of course. If you’re wondering why I eat a random pile of tofu daily it’s because A. I eat weird things and B. this tofu has 30 grams of protein in only 150 calories. Heck yes. I try to get a LOT of protein in each day– it used to be at least 1g per lb, but I’ve eased up on that. I figure over 100g is good. It might be overkill, but I have (in the past) spent a lot of time on bodybuilding websites, and they like to say lots of protein is good. The website isn’t just for bb-ers, it’s for regular gymmers like me, too.

ANYWAY. Pics.

Cinnamon was added, of course.

-Peeeeeanut butter. With flax! Yay omegas!

x 2. or 3. or maybe 4.

-Then broccoli soup, with crackers…and hummus, and maybe some other snacky things.

I’d never had this. It was good! could use some added veggies, or maybe diced up veggie hot dogs. Ooo, definitely doing that next time. And cheese.

I may or may not have had more hot chocolate with some whipped cream that magically appeared in our fridge. I saw it, thought, “What is this?! I MUST EAT IT!” Of course.

And I made my new favorite treat– choco-coco-coffee blendy thing!

Ice, coffee, sweetener, coconut milk, hotchoc packet, blend. Incredible and makes you FREEZING after, so you make another one, ‘cuz that’ll fix it! hehe.

Why yes I AM a genius, thank you very much.

And a lot of other crap that went into my mouth that I shouldn’t have had. Sigh. WORK IN PROGRESS.

Okay, gonna try to finish this crap paper, so wish me luck.

Goodnight!

PS– does anyone know how to make the paragraphs indent? It looks weird to me the way it is. thanks!

I was PLANNING on trying to go for  a run this morning, but then I woke up at 10:15. So that was out. I have too much to do! Yeah, that probably is just an excuse. The gym is good too though right? lol

The last few days have been better. I am working on disciplining myself– to be neater, to be more controlled. The last few years have been the opposite– I have been trying to “let loose” more, because of my prior eating disorder. I can safely say I have not had it for quite some time, but unfortunately I think the all-too-common switcheroo has occured, and I have problems saying “no” now, and creating boundaries for myself. So, a different issue, but that’s life. This is part of the reason for this blog– I need to keep myself accountable, and if it’s too embarrassing to share with the world, then why would I do that to myself?

So. A few pictures of the eats of the last few days (still not all of them, working on making it a habit):

Tofu, salsa, nutritional yeast and dill:

Not as gross as it looks. Melba toast! Love.

Greek yogurt, with sweetener. Tofu, with cinnamon and stevia. I am aware I use far too much sweetener.

A high-protein, whole wheat, with flax mini pita with Teddie’s smooth pb with flax. I love flax. Conveniently posed to show my GREEN thumbnail!

It reminds me of skittles. I don't like skittles, but they are pretty.

Breakfast today!

Starbellies and greek w/truvia. Best combo evar. Popcorn, with cinnamon!

Aaaand, hot chocolate. Low cal, so I had…um….a few. lol! I may or may not have spiked this with coffee.

I love this cup. It says: “Have a a day filled with rainbows!” Adorable.

Then, I puttered around for a while, was grumpy at my mom (sorry!), took out the trash and came to the library. Working on papers that are late. I am so. behind. Got a li’l hungry, so I had my sample bar that I got from Kashi!

Dark choco coco. It was great. A little sweet, but delicious.

Ate it, then remembered I was supposed to take a picture. Oops.

I probably should get back to work. LE SIGH.

Gym later, home, more work and CASTLE! I love that show. Anybody watch it?

Tomorrow: School with the evil teacher (seriously bad, more on that later), work, and gym of i can manage it.

Oh! I might be able to pick up my fixed bike today! Woot! It’s been a while since I used that thing. SPRINGTIME, I love you.

Hope it’s as gorgeous where you are as it is here!

I didn’t change my habits today.

I ate too much, and didn’t go to the gym, and haven’t got enough work done.  However, I am trying to adjust my perspective on it. I know the reasons I act self-destructively is because on some level I’m disappointed in myself, which makes me mad at myself, which makes me take it out on myself in self-destructive behavior. Something has to change, so maybe my reaction to my shortcomings is a place to start.

Good things about today:

It was warm!

Sunshine!

Beautiful!

STRAWBERRIES!

Yes, I ate the whole pint. Look at them.

That was probably the prettiest thing I ate today, so that’s all I pictured.

It’s supposed to be gorgeous tomorrow, and I don’t have to be at work until 11 AM, so I’m going to ATTEMPT to go for a run– my first one outside since this summer! (I may give up and go to the gym, JSYK.)

Tomorrow is Easter! My sister is going to come over tonight, and sleep over. I haven’t seen her in a while, so that will be nice. When we were kids, we always dressed in identical dresses and shoes on Easter, and went egg hunting and gorged ourselves on jellybeans and chocolate and eggs (but not the yolks. yuck! Though I do like them now.). I think we went to church too, but that doesn’t seem to stick out in my memory as much. Oh yeah, the boring part where we giggled to each other for an hour and got shushed constantly until sunday school.  Haha. Wait, I might have an old picture of us scanned in here!

My sister (right) and me (left)

This is actually on the late end of the years we did this, but this pretty much encapsulates how Easter was.

Good times.  I work all day unfortunately, but that’s ok.

School on monday, yikes! Gonna try to get some work done, even though my paper is late, it’ll be better to have it mostly done than not at all. See? Terrible work ethics lately. I haven’t always been this way, I used to be a really good student!  Le sigh.

I’ll try to take more pictures tomorrow, and update links and stuff on here. Work in progress!

Happy Spring!

I don’t know exactly what this blog will turn out to be… probably a combination of a life/thought blog and food blog (like there aren’t enough of them out there! lol).

I’m starting it mainly to keep myself accountable. I have bad habits– like snacking all the time and not making real meals, not always appreciating all the great things I have in my life, and not doing my homework and other things done on time. Seriously, I have a terrible procrastination habit (and starting a blog instead of finishing my homework is obviously the solution. haha).

I’m hoping as I go along, this blog won’t be so lame…I plan on adding pictures and getting better at the whole process….maybe.

So I’m going to go finish watching this terrible, terrible movie and go to sleep….

See you later!

Love,

Julia